Silence...

...that's what you'll get, dear friend, for being the way you've been to me. You may have forgotten all your little sins but I know you havent forgotten mine and for that reason, subconsciously, my attitude has changed. Change is permanent and unfortunately, you're on the wrong side of it. It could have been different...now, I'm surprised at the way you are...as if nothing had happened. You could have let nothing happen but you did, and while torn and bruised, I gave you my apologies and you lapped it up magnanimously. However, I think only I see this side that I dont like anymore and you apparently hate.

I need to be away from you and from all this for a long while...by doing my duty and nothing more. I think you'd understand this best. You've got more than I do, at any rate...you've got my little reflection all unchanged and unspoiled...the way you want it to be, the way it's fit into your plans, I'm glad at least that reflection will have the will to be by your side through thick and thin...

...while I fade into the beyond, covered by the darkness of your convenient memory.

Things...

Like, seeing the afternoon melt away into a sunset. Contemplating how fast the world moves, time flies...thinking about all the things you could've done and still have a little time in which to revive them and move on. Do the things you like and do it when you feel like doing them....like...taking a walk, sitting in a cafe you like and ordering what you like without worrying about weight/blood pressure. No point in doing them two hours later, you feel like you're doing a chore and it's that much less enjoyable. I actually got cold feet just going into a cafe alone, just coz two people gave me a look that I interpreted as 'poor lonely thing'. I felt that the last time I ate alone at pizza hut, a girl who looked at me as if i was out of my mind to be eating there alone. Not that it stopped me...made me chew my food slower just to put it in her face a little more. But a casual look stopped me that day and made me justify not going coz I had to avoid the traffic on New Year's Eve.

Not that I regret it...the moment had passed and going through it would have seemed like a chore.

Wonder...

Small wonders start small and leave you knocked out searching for explanations. It's like the tea that tasted of wood...I know I'll be searching for it my whole life, i dont know the brand nor the name. It's something that grew on me the more I had it. Now, its disappeared. Things we take for granted...things that disappear and things you spend your life searching for.

Amy Tan brought me back memories. The Joy Luck Club is something that I'll always go back to...to search for lost memories in a green jade box. The silks on Stanley, the warm spicy crab meat rice and seafood curry in a hollowed pumpkin, the serene walk around the palaces, the crowded, smelly flea markets....the love and the passion of discovering new things, falling in love and keeping it immortal in memory.

That's the stuff that wonder's made of.

New Year's Resolution List

1. Buy good books - the ones you seriously want to add to your collection.

2. Buy better gifts for the people you love (not just the ones you think they'll like)

3. Take sis out shopping more often so she numbs to the feeling of utter guilt when the purchases havent gone beyond a 1000 bucks.

4. Eat fudge at Mocha.

5. Exercise more.

6. Experiment with food but also eat it afterward.

7. Buy garlic pods (mashed garlic and ginger paste cannot completely substitute the feeling of eating a little burnt garlic pod along with lentils).

8. Learn to make more interesting food.

9. Be more responsible with a. life b. finances c. investments

10. Read all collected books.